Recovery on the Road

November 8, 2021

Connection.... connection to the internet has been spotty. It's difficult to join and stay joined to zoom meetings. I have about 10 or more each week and am either kicked off, not heard, have to keep my camera off or sometimes just can't stay on. The phone connection is spotty too, sometimes I get cutoff, can't be heard or worse nothing at all. Often, no texts until they come in by the handful. Being on the road has it's challenges.

The real connection I miss is the connection to people. To my family, my new friends in recovery and my cherished old friends. I miss hearing voices of people that bring me hope, happiness, joy and sometimes stress and worry. But I am still connected. The one person I have become more connected to is my husband. For years we raised kids, worked and took care of everyone else often neglecting our own relationship and the way we communicate. This time of spotty service has taken away the distraction of others. At first we were forced to communicate about where we were going, how long to get there, bills to pay. Eventually, we had that down and other things came up. Managing relationships outside of us, talking about difficult topics that previously were easy to put off, skirt around or simply hide from. This is more true for me than for him. He has been more of an honest open book when I was harboring secrets. No wonder communication was challenging, I was not being honest.

Now that honesty is my new intention, a goal for clean living, I am learning how to be honest without being mean. To speak truthfully without fear. To bring up a problem I have not already figured out the solution for. My motives have changed as I no longer need to have all the answers. I just have to be honest and secrets no longer have a place in my head. So thanks to a lack of outside connection, I am able to work on an internal connection. One between a husband I have neglected and another between me and my spiritual self, a self I had been hiding from in a bottle, in a casino and in the lies I previously created.

Learning how to be honest does not come naturally so practicing on my new friends in recovery is allowing me to practice on other people in my life. The closer ones that have suffered the most as a result of my self hate, my madness. 10 months into sobriety and I am growing in a way I never have. I am still scared and I am still procrastinating goals. But I am not hiding in plain site anymore. I have hope.

Connection has been a lifelong goal and I have hope that I can reach meaningful relationships with people. So I keep practicing, I keep calling, I keep showing up on zoom even when it's not perfect. My spiritual self gets frustrated but does not give up, just breaths through it knowing that I am in bigger hands than myself. In this moment my connection is how it is supposed to be.

October 29, 2021

Sometimes I let the committee in my head tell me I am not enough. I forget to use the tools I have learned to remind myself I am doing well. I am not drinking, I go to meetings, I talk to my sponsor and I am... slowly... working the steps. It has only been 9+ months. I didn't drink for 30 years and expect to be relieved of the mind trickery in such a short period of time... or did I? So, I set some daily tasks/activities I have been wanting to accomplish. One of them is updating this blog or whatever it is. It is part for me and part for others that are on the road.

It is not always easy to just do zoom meeting and not connect in person with people in recovery. I did go to a women's weekend retreat and saw recovery in action. It was fairly focused on a routine of recovery but it still included fun activities and just being. I was nervous because I had never met these women in person but I want to try new things so I showed up. I learned so much about myself that it was hard to walk away and not have seen where I wanted to grow. I need that communication outside of meetings. Connection with others to help me grow. I love my husband and he is incredibly supportive. Understanding the addiction is wonderful but being in it, being up in an alcoholic mind is well... different. I need him... and I need a fellow alcoholic to communicate with.

So to keep things short my goal is to check in here regularly. I want to start transcribing my childhood notes, the kind we used to write instead of text. My bike could use some pedaling so I am going to start rolling. My mind needs some TLC so meditation is on the table. I will keep you posted on how it goes. Lastly, I want to branch out a bit, try new zoom meetings and hit one in person. So far today I did my sit ups, paid a bill and wrote on this page so there is hope. And hopefully, the committee will get the message I am not giving up.

September 21, 2021

A good starting place. Sometimes finding motivation is a challenge for me. I know what I want to do but the task seems daunting. So today, here is the start. Just a quick note to say I am sober 8 months and 17 days. Sober from all mind altering substances.... including gambling. I live in a motorhome on the road with my non alcoholic supportive husband. He is glad to have me, me, back. I am not sure what this website will be but if I don't start, I won't find out.